Journal entry 10-5.14
I signed over the deed to the house today. It has taken years, but my therapist finally made me see that the only way to cure this phobia is to face it straight on. Encouraged by my steady progress, I was finally ready to take this final step. I have achieved the level of complete trust that he always believed I could, so necessary to make me completely well. My gratitude is in direct proportion to the degree of inner terror from which his unflagging devotion has saved me.
How can I even begin to describe the horror of the recurring nightmare in which I wandered, penniless and alone, through the streets of this cruel city? Dressed in tattered garb, seeking only food for sustenance and to escape the open contempt on the faces of my fellow man. I was very near death, as I could no longer eat or sleep, so consumed was I by the constant fear of homelessness.
My therapist—I just nearly called him a holy man–at which he would have laughed heartily and said I’d made a Freudian slip, has given his very life for me. He not only made himself available at all hours of the day and night, but agreed to move into my home in order to begin the process of de-sensitizing me to this horrible phobia.
He began by making me homeless for just a half day. What strength it must have taken to push me out the door and lock it behind me! What inner reserves of resolve to remain strong in the face of my pleading and crying. To his credit, he never opened the door until the agreed-upon time. Day after day, he remained steadfast until finally, I was able to be away long enough to build a make-shift shelter beneath a freeway underpass, where at last I slept, troubled by nightmares no more.
When I returned home to tell him of my success, I found that he was already having a party! That’s how sure he was that I would succeed. That faith allowed me to sign the deed over to him without the slightest anxiety. It remains to be seen how long I must remain homeless to complete the process, but I feel that I am well on my way to complete recovery.