The World's Longest Suicide Note: A Work in Progress-27

Page 27

Evil is the product of the ability of humans to make abstract that which is concrete.

Jean-Paul Sartre

That’s probably the best definition of evil I’ve ever found. Anytime you start force-fitting humanity into a system rather than creating a system to accommodate humanity, you end up with dehumanization. Dehumanization is the first step in justifying murder. On the other hand, you can find quotes that can back up just about anything a person wants to believe. Here’s one:

“The Four of Wands is a card about rites of passage, a warm and supportive home environment, and family gatherings.  Reversed, this card indicates blocks or troubles in one of those areas.”  

-Galaxy Tarot App

See how you can use other sources besides the bible when you’re looking for reasons to live or possible reasons that you’re still alive?  Yes, I realize that any remaining credibility I may have left may be compromised by quoting a tarot card app.  I will, however, then have to ask you to explain the fact that every major newspaper in the United States has a daily horoscope.  Of course, that doesn’t include the Wall Street Journal, because people with money don’t have to believe in anything else.  I’m not sure why tarot cards are considered beneath horoscopes in terms of social acceptability. Maybe it’s the gypsy factor.  There aren’t any holocaust memorials for them. I guess that’s understandable, because memorials require real estate and gypsies were kind of known for being nomadic, which is a mortal sin in the religion of private property. 

Even though I don’t really believe in either horoscopes or tarot cards, they can both provide wise insights if you happen to be looking for those.  So can healing and recovery self-help daily meditation books, which I also don’t really believe in.  Two of my favorites not to believe in are The Book of Awakening and Beyond Belief .  If you’re looking for inspirational quotes or to learn more about the many ways in which you do not provide a warm supportive internal home environment for yourself, these are the books for you.  They have 365 entries, one for every day of the year.  They’re  meant to be read every day to help you develop positive habits.  The only thing I’ve ever been able to do every single day for a whole year was smoke.  Now that I’ve quit that, there’s nothing.  I’ll read them for a few days, then forget about them for months at a time.  Today was the first of this cycle of a few days. I consider it a minor miracle that I’ve even written 26 pages of this suicide note.  I usually give up on things long before this.

 If there’s one thing I’ve read in all the self-help literature over the years that I do believe, it’s that we are as sick as our secrets.  It’s no accident that the Catholic church has had more power and more real estate than any other entity on the planet, although the British Royal Family is a contender.  Church leaders know both the power of confession and the power of the sexual thrill of the forbidden. This has been the most profitable combined knowledge and manipulation of human psychology in existence.  It’s also how Trump got to be president.  Granted, all the lawsuits against pedophile priests have cut into their profits somewhat.  It would even be tempting to believe that so many victims of child sexual abuse winning so many lawsuits means that abusers are outnumbered and can eventually be eradicated. Sadly, perversions are just like ideas. They can’t be killed. As long as unequal power dynamics exist, there will be abuses of it. That’s why it’s almost impossible to have an honest, mutually respectful, intimate relationship with someone who has more or less power than you.  People don’t like to admit that, or even think about it. 

Once you’ve read Foucault, it’s hard not to think about human relationships in terms of power dynamics, especially since we live in a society based on dominance and submission. The mindset that these photos represent wasn’t created in a vacuum. It was created by a lifetime of bullying, exclusion, being economically terrorized into submission.  This is the kind of thing that makes it hard to accept being human.  To go on living, knowing there’s always the possibility that you too could become monstrous, that to preserve your own privilege, your taxes fund such atrocities. Having spent most of my life avoiding most human contact to reduce the possibility of becoming a monster like my parents, it’s a hard thing to accept.

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